now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
