Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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