My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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