Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
