I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
