i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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