I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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