I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize