She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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