I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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