I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
