roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Did I show you my penis last night?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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