Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
