If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
