textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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