I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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