I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
