Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
