I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
