thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
