and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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