take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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