I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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