dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm getting married
To pizza
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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