I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
