I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
