i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
