It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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