as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
