Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
