I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
