you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
