you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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