i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
