apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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