The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize