just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
