I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
