Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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