This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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