Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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