ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
