3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
