nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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