i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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