You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
