its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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