Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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