i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
