glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
True but thats because hes a fetus.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
