I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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