I am midnight drunk by noon
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
