dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
