No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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