I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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