My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
