i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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