You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
